Some Notes From Your Host

Hey Everybody! Just a quick post to let you all know that I am still alive. Some of you may be familiar with my normal summer habit of not blogging, but in fact this was all planned.

During the month and a half that I refrained from blogging, my subscriptions went down 71%. I had been getting concerned that my blog was becoming too popular, and I want it to remain an underground institution - unknown, unrespected, unread. Unknown blogs are the true voice of the people. Someday, a futuristic search engine will come across the blog and all will be revealed, but until then, I'd like only my most-trusted friends and associates to read the material herein contained. So I took some time off, and the casual readers dropped me like calculus.

To the few diehards that remain, I vow to reward you with some new material that you all ADORE (most likely related to Famous Swords and Today in History) very soon.

And if I don't, consider it Purge #2.

Famous Swords: Cortana

Ogier the Dane, a legendary hero, was the son of Gudfred, king of Denmark. In La Chevalerie Ogier de Danemarche, Ogier had a son who was slain by Charlot, son of Charlemagne. Seeking revenge, Ogier sought out and slew Charlot, and was only barely prevented from killing Charlemagne himself. He resisted Charlemagne for seven years, but made peace with him in order to fight at Charlemagne's side against the Saracens. Legend has it that Ogier walked all the way from his final battle in France to the Castle Kronborg in Helsingør. Ogier is said to dwell in the castle, his beard grown down to the floor. He will awake when Denmark is in mortal danger, at which time he will rise up and deliver the nation.

An inscription on Ogier the Dane's sword Cortana read “My name is Cortana, of the same steel and temper as Joyeuse and Durendal.”

This Person Got Fired for Sure

Sometimes I Feel Like the Donkey

Finally...A Practical Application for Post-It Notes!

Famous Swords: Balisard

Ruggiero is a leading character in the Italian romantic epics Orlando Innamorato by Matteo Maria Boiardo and Orlando Furioso by Ludovico Ariosto. According to these epics, Ruggiero was the son of a Christian knight and a Saracen, and a descendant of Hector of Troy. Ruggiero took up his sword, Balisard, joined the Saracen army in its invasion of Europe, and fell in love with the female Christian knight Bradamante. Unfortunately, he was captured and held captive by the enchantress Alcina on her magical island until the good sorceress Melissa freed him. Ruggiero then rescued the princess Angelica who had been offered as a sacrifice to a water-dwelling orc. Finally, he was baptised into Christianity, and married Bradamante. Rodomonte, a Saracen king, appears at the wedding feast and accuses Ruggiero of betraying the Saracen cause. The two knights duel, and Ruggiero succeeds in killing Rodomonte.

The Plastic Trinity

Recently, I was getting out a sandwich bag while making my lunch in the morning. What I found in the box was something unexpected, something wild, something definitely out of the ordinary!

No camera tricks! No superglue! You are seeing these bags in the same state that I pulled them from the box. Now, I understand that sometimes things go wrong at the plant, and two bags get fused together. No big deal. Whatever. But this is WAY different! I'm talking about three bags all sharing a common corner...it's outrageous! I was thinking about selling them on Ebay to some freak collector, but decided instead to split them up and sell them individually. I've always heard that rare stuff is more valuable this way.

Something else ocurred to me while I was looking at these pictures...why is my skin purple?!?! I'm like a freak of nature or something! Maybe I should sell myself on Ebay. Bidding starts at US $1.00!!

Today In History - May 8

On May 8, 1886 (122 years ago) John S. Pemberton's new headache remedy, Coca-Cola, went on sale for the first time in Atlanta, GA.

Famous Swords: Durendal

Roland was a legendary figure in medieval Europe. He was popular amongst minstrels who turned his life into an epic tale of the noble Christian killed by Islamic forces. In French Medieval literature, Roland was the chief official in Charlemagne’s court, and may have been Charlemagne’s nephew. According to Ludovico Ariosto's poem, Orlando Furioso, Roland’s unbreakable sword Durendal (enchanted by various Christian relics) once belonged to Hector of Troy, and was given to Roland by Maugris.

The sword is said to contain within its hilt a tooth of Saint Peter, blood of Saint Basil, hair of Saint Denis, and a piece of holy clothing belonging to the Blessed Virgin Mary. In order to prevent it from being captured by the ambushing Saracens, Count Roland attempted to destroy the sword by beating it against rocks high in the mountains. Durendal proved indestructible, however, and he ended up cutting a narrow mountain pass in the Pyrenees now called La Brèche de Roland. When this attempt to destroy the sword failed, Roland hurled it into a poisoned stream.

Roland was later killed in the Battle of Roncevaux Pass, in 778, when the Basques ambushed Charlemagne’s war party returning from victory in Spain. Local folklore claims Durendal still exists, preserved in Rocamadour, France.

Wild's Maxims

During the 18th century, Jonathan Wild (1682-1725) was perhaps the most famous criminal of Great Britain. While he was the nation’s leading policeman, he organized a gang of theives to steal valuables and return them as ‘recovered items’ after the stories broke and rewards were offered. Wild would collect these rewards, and cut in the theives for a portion of the profits. Wild also made common practice of arresting members of rival gangs as theives. He manipulated the press and the nation's fears to become the most loved public figure of the 1720s – but this love turned to hate when his villainy was exposed. He was convicted and hanged in 1725.

Here are some of the maxims that guided the notorious Jonathan Wild:

• Never do more mischief than is absolutely necessary for success.
• Never forgive an enemy.
• Foment [Promote] jealousies in your gang.
• A good man, like money, must be risked in speculation.
• Keep hatred concealed in the heart, but wear the face of a friend.
• Know no distinction, but let self-interest be the one principle of action.
• Counterfeit virtues are as good as real ones, for few know paste from diamonds.